LIVING WITH AN ADDICT

So--who knew?? Not many people have home or school preparation for how to live more effectively with an addict. It should be worth at least 100 credits. If you are the child of an alcoholic, you learned how to survive, but not necessarily how to cope. As an adult, we need coping skills.

People always advise that one should take care of themselves. Sounds good, but what does it mean? In my years as a therapist with the Brighton Hospital family program, there was a simple picture that people seemed to grasp. I drew a boxing ring and in it was a stick figure of the addict doing a wild dance with their addiction. Arms and legs are flailing about. The other stick figure in the ring was the family member standing next to the addict doing all the well-meaning behaviors. Helping, rescuing, lecturing, saving, protecting, etc. Actually, all the family member got for their effort were several bruises as the arms and legs of the addict continued to swing about. Also--the anger grew and grew.

I then moved the family stick figure and simply placed it just outside of one of the ropes of the ring. Protection. Not abandonment, but a safe place from which to observe the ongoing dance of the addict. The rope symbolized all of the ways of taking care of yourself. They included educating yourself about addiction, attending your own support group(Alanon or Naranon),no longer taking it all personally, setting boundaries for yourself, returning to your own authentic life and the things that you have postponed doing, learning to be responsive and not reactive, tending to healthier living.

You would be amazed what changing your perspective can lead to. And, as a bonus, when you finally see that the addict continues the wild dance you can to really see how it is not about you.

Warm regards,
Nan Reynolds

THE ADDICT IS NOT DOING ANYTHING TO YOU, BUT IN SPITE OF YOU.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
THE ADDICT IS NOT DOING ANYTHING TO YOU, BUT IN SPITE OF YOU.

I am not sure just why we react so personally to this disease of addiction. I can think of no other situation where family memeber and friends become so eclipsed by the misfortune of others. No doubt, part of the explanation lies in the fact that we do not see the problem. We also become eclipsed and slowly increase our caretaking and rescuing and efforts to control. Then, as nothing is successful, our walls or resentment build. The main question we mull over is: Why is she/he doing this to me?
Actually, the addict is NOT doing anything TO you--they are simply in a relationship with the chemical and it is the only dance partner on their card. The addict may look like and smell like and dress like the person you know, but they have been beamed up and are no longer fully available for your old relationship. They have a new love. It is helpful for us to also realize that they do not realize this--their toxic brain keeps them from seeing reality.

WE NEED TO STOP TAKING PERSONALLY THAT WHICH IS HAPPENING TO US PERSONALLY

I suggest that everyone who loves an addict start carrying around a Q-tip in purse or pocket. This is to remind you that you need to "Quit Taking It Personally".
Of course, it feels very personal. The truth, however, is that none of the behaviors or actions or words or disappointments or unloving moments in the relationship with the addict are a reflection of you or your worth as a person. Addiction of someone else is not about you. It never has been, is not, and never will be. This is true regardless of the nature of the relationship. You are off the hook!
Whether you are a child, a spouse, a sibling, a friend or a parent, you need to be clear in the knowledge that you are not the problem and did not cause the problem. It is only when we think that we are and then we try to help that we run the risk of then becoming a part of the problem. Later on that became called enabling.
Surely, when we annoy others and hurt them and fail them we are are less than perfect in our humanness. This is still not the reason that addiction develops. The addict sees chemicals as a solution and has little thought or knowledge that their solution shall become a problem. Addiction has a life of its own.
I guess this is the good/bad news for families and friends. Because if it has nothing to do with us, then we also face the reality that there is nothing we can change that will fix the addict. We then face our feelings of powerlessness.

HOPE! HELP! HEALING FOR THE FUTURE!

A middle-aged Brighton Hospital patient describes her alcohol addiction problems and her path to recovery with the help of the drug treatment program's counselors and staff. Brighton Hospital is the second-oldest alcohol and chemical dependency treatment provider in the country and the first to be licensed in Michigan. A national leader in addiction treatment that began in the early 1950s.

THERE'S HOPE FOR YOU!

A middle-aged Brighton Hospital patient describes her alcohol addiction problems and her path to recovery with the help of the drug treatment program's counselors and staff. Brighton Hospital is the second-oldest alcohol and chemical dependency treatment provider in the country and the first to be licensed in Michigan. A national leader in addiction treatment that began in the early 1950s.

BRIGHTON HOSPITAL PONDERINGS FOR THE DAY...

Welcome to the Brighton Hospital Blog....Please continue to visit as I post new blogs & please respond with your comments and questions so I can speak to your issues.

Thank you,
Nan Reynolds