Tuesday, September 1, 2009

One Potato, Two Potato, Three Potato, Four

There is a thing called projection. We are all good at it. It is an unconscious trick of the mind. It usually keeps us more comfortable. If you are the family member, you are highly likely to be the target. Think of the childhood game of Hot Potato. Projection is like that game. You can wrap up a feeling and toss it into the lap of someone else. There are other little tricks of the mind that also keep us from facing what we really feel. Denial, rationalization, minimizing, etc. but this projection thing seems to be an unknowing favorite of the addict. One fact that families need to accept is that while the severity of the addiction increases, so also do the defense mechanisms. They serve a mighty purpose and keep the addict from facing the full reality of the mess they are in. On a positive note, it might even keep a person from suicide.

BUT: the family and friends need to be aware when the potato comes their way. During my days in the family program at Brighton Hospital, a family member who arrived late was often greeted in the lobby by a patient with some guilt inducing comment such as “Why are you so late?” “You forgot to bring me clean socks.” Or “Why didn’t you call last night?” What the patient cannot express yet, for whatever reason, is all of the guilt they feel for having to be in treatment, guilt for the behaviors; guilt that the family member is spending a day in a family program. So—the guilt is now on the visitor, who, more than likely, catches the potato and begins to explain about the lateness, the socks or the phone call. Mission accomplished!

A bucket of lead is easier to carry if two people have the handle. BUT: the patient needs to slowly get honest, get in touch and begin to own their feelings. Such is necessary for recovery. AND: the family member needs to stop catching the potato. We do so over-function!

We tend to catch guilt, fear, shame, hurt, inadequacy, loneliness and a whole host of negative feelings that really are being tossed over.
It is not easy to be aware of every spud that comes your way, but one gets better at in time. In general, if you are feeling OK and suddenly find yourself explaining at length, you probably should get ready to make one large potato salad for lunch.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Because we need to change what we do does not mean the situation is our fault

A lot of us are guilt based. We react strongly when someone suggests that we might need to take a peek at our part in a relationship or situation. Over conscientious people are especially hard to convince because they have tried so hard and so long to be helpful and to fix things. The very suggestion that change is needed in ones actions, thinking or attitudes feels threatening.

It is so easy to identify the person who needs to change. The addict! Plain, pure and simple. They need to get clean and sober and tend to their recovery. The family member, however, often reacts like a deer in the headlight to the very suggestion that some change is needed by them.

It needs to be made clear that the need to learn and alter our behaviors does not at all imply guilt. It is very true that many addicts continue their use regardless of how enlightened the family has become. It is conversely true that many addicts choose recovery in the most ineffective of environments.

There is a process to change. The first step is to become aware of what might need changing. Then you need to digest the thoughts. Next you prepare for the changes and then you try them. The final step is to maintain the changes. This process is greatly evident in every 12 step meeting. You go, you wake up, and you think about it, you try it and then you like it and you keep doing it. All of this takes time and support. You get the information and ideas from others in your shoes.

You learn that we are responsible to each other, but that does not mean that you are my fault!

If you remove your expectations from me, you are free to receive my gifts.

I once read that depending on your expectations, you can spend your whole life being pleasantly surprised or sadly disappointed. Wow.

How wise was one man in the recovery program, after a few years of attendance, to utter that he had just about given up on what to expect and just lived to see what would happen next? Wow.

Often, our expectations of a situation or person are based upon what we want to happen or see. Reality is to see what we see and to know what we know. Do we see what we want to see and not what we need to see? Do we need an “illusionectomy?” Wow.

I think one of the hardest parts of life is to see reality. Denial and delusion abound. They are really useful for keeping fear and pain at arm’s length. So, we keep expectations alive and complain often when the person or life falls short. Wow.

Truth may be painful, but at least you can deal with it. Wow.

The wise man above was quite peaceful internally. He had hopes but not expectations. He knew that having the latter would set him up for resentment, anger and disappointments. He also knew that we can become so blinded by what we expect that we fail to see what is truly available to us.

One lady in my group had cried for years and said she just wanted to be happy. Who knows where she got that concept? I suggested that life was not always happy. It was possible to have a happy life with some unhappiness in it. A light went on for her. She later said that even with her husband drinking, she now felt content. She had expected more and was missing the moments. Wow.

If you want all of your birthday presents wrapped in green paper and all you get is a darned blue paper, are you letting expectations destroy your day? Wow.

Maturity is about trying to come to grips with our flaws (quote from D. Gergen)

Maturity is nothing more or less than how one deals with their feelings. Or perhaps it is to spend your life trying to outrun lesser versions of yourself – which sounds a lot like not wanting to face flaws.

There is no better program than 12 step meetings to encourage one to look at their own inventory. I knew a man who put a mirror in his home that had two words written on the top: THE PROBLEM
and two at the bottom: THE SOLUTION.

I remember the first time I had a fleeting glimpse of myself. Married to a man with unrelenting alcoholism, I was full of unrelenting criticisms. I pulled into our driveway with no kids in the car and no distractions when suddenly I was hit full blast with how it must feel to him when he came home to me. Well, I naturally slammed the lid on the nauseous revelation and continued to be the whiner. In those days, I had a doctorate degree in sniveling, whining, nagging and pouting. All these years later, I have compassion for that former self and realize what a waste of energy it was. It is so common to see that cycle of inebriated person and angry other. Which comes first?

In a recovery program we learn that the only person under our guidance is our self. It is amazing how much better we feel once we face our own flaws and refuse to be a part of that cycle of the decline. It feels so good to really have some power over something once we catch on that the only outcome we can impact is our own. Like Alka-Seltzer says: Oh what a relief it is!

Monday, August 17, 2009

Facts do not cease to exist just because they are ignored

Mental health is said to be a dedication to reality at all costs. Denial and delusion are really great defense tools to keep us out of pain. The problem is that we tend to stay in pain in order to avoid pain.

Truth hurts, but at least you can deal with it. Trying to not face reality is like punching away at a fog. There are so many times when one has only a random moment of perception. Here and then gone. We need to go from being ignorant of being ignorant to being aware of being aware.

So, what am I talking about? I am remembering how I thought my husband had sinus trouble because he was always sick (alcohol will do that.) I often called his work and made the excuses. I am remembering how I thought my son had a bad cold when his nose kept running (cocaine will do that.) I am remembering how I believed the mouth of addiction.

Denial can be wonderful as it offers a temporary soothing of the heart. It seems to me that there is the denial that follows knowing and the denial of truly not knowing. Both are only a detour from truth. It is also a fact that when you do not know you are hanging on to something, such as a delusion, it is awfully hard to let go.

I think that denial is the biggest issue for families. It is one of the biggest contributors to not being truly helpful to the addict. I want to say “wake up!” and try to see things as they really are and not as you would have them be.

A First Class Human Being has some regard for Human Frailty

This is often hard for a family member to swallow: There is nothing harder than living with an unrecovered family member.

Actually, in the perfect world, family members and friends would receive attention, help and education about addiction two years before the addict starts recovery. Two years is about the amount of time needed to deal with resentment, anger, blame, hurt and a myriad of losses. The timing is awful; an addict goes into treatment or recovery and others are expected to have nothing to resolve about what has been happening. Families are expected to be supportive and caring. Well—good luck!

I like the analogy of everyone having an open wound on their heart. It needs to heal and repair itself. It is best not to keep ripping off the scab, which is what happens when we keep bringing up the past as a weapon, when we keep reminding each other of all of the hurts and relationship failures, when we do not tend to our own recoveries. Often, the family member simply wants the addict to heal, but has no grasp on the fact that they themselves harbor so much unfinished business. What is common to hear is “Well, it was not my problem, it was theirs.” Yes, this is true. It is also true that you have been deeply wounded and are in need of some help to mend that heart.

The addict has to stay sober long enough to learn how to be sober. As hard as it may seem, the others in their life need to not pull the rug out with angry words. I did not say that you are not going to have anger. I also did not say that you are in any way responsible for someone’s relapse. I have often suggested that we all put a 6-inch piece of duct tape over our mouth for several months and only release it when we have kind and supportive words. Then, everyone goes to their meetings, remove the tape, open your ears and mouth and speak. Back to the car, tape in place again until the day comes when your heart truly feels loving and has a new perspective.

Friday, May 1, 2009

DOES YOUR ADJUSTMENT TO LIFE REQUIRE SUFFERING?

In the 12 Step Program, one of the healthy concepts often referred to is that we should never let yesterday use up too much of today. If you had a childhood imprinted by someone’s addiction, there is a great chance that it created some suffering for you of any or every kind. You may have been robbed of trust, respect, fun that was safe, connection and loving behaviors from a parent. Actually, even if the addict was your sibling, there was suffering for you in that home. So--you build defense systems and survival skills. One of these may have been the conclusion that it was not safe or wise to feel good, be happy or have fun. As a child, it makes sense to never expect these things would at least not lead to yet another disappointment. It is not uncommon for children of alcoholics to not trust feelings of well-being because the next parental drink or drug would plunge the household or picnic into another bad memory. Neither is it uncommon for these children, now grown and into their own lives, to recognize that they are uncomfortable with sanity, consistency, pleasure and to trust that it is OK to feel good. Actually, they can sabotage the good times from an unconscious need to return to what feels familiar. (Many relapses are thought to be based on this truth).

It is OK to be OK. It is OK to feel OK. Childhood conclusions can be reassessed in the light of today’s realities

"FEELINGS WHOA, WHOA, WHOA..."

With all due respect to what has been called the worst song ever written from 1975, I want to talk about these pesky little things that seem to pop up forever for family and friends of an active addict. It was once researched (do not ask me when or by whom) that if a person was using chemicals during an event, such as alcohol, that the passage of time will obliterate any feeling memory of that event. Not so for the drug free family member who will register the event in their brain with all of the myriad of feelings that came with the happening. The drug free brain will then hang on to the feeling memory until the end of time. So--what is the problem?? It is found in the recovery. The addict may remember, however vaguely, the things that occurred, but not the feelings that registered at the time. Remember, the addict is sedated, anesthetized and numbed. For the other person, however, the feelings will accompany the memory and reappear in full force--even years later. That is a major difference in the recovery tasks of both people. In Alanon, one learns to be on guard against the unguarded moments. You need these skills when, out of the blue, some old feeling grabs you and you are in a painful place again. It is not unusual for your phone to ring at 3 am and your heart races even though your addict has been in recovery for 8 years and is asleep next to you. It is not unusual for the sober addict to be detained on some errand, and you start to clock-watch with increasing old dreads. These old feelings are like flashbacks and have a powerful pull. In a recovery program, you learn to quickly recognize what is probably irrational and are able to calm yourself back to reality.

Regards,
Nan Reynolds

LETTING GO AND LETTING GOD IS NOT A PASSPORT TO INERTIA.

There is such wisdom in the Serenity Prayer, which is recited at every 12 Step Meeting. GOD, GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE." It is the final phrase that is the challenge. It is also said that God does not drive a parked car. We need to follow a dual path--knowing full well that we do not control the outcome of others, but also knowing that there are some more effective attitudes and behaviors and actions that we might try when attempting to encourage or motivate the active addict toward wanting help. It is imperative that we reach out to professionals, 12 Step literature, 12 Step family meetings, or the wealth of literature now available on the subject. We need to stop our reactions and start responding from a base of knowledge and facts. A common uninformed family behavior is to react over and over. Why do we keep on repeating actions that have never worked? As an Alanon member once said: The addict is on drugs and we need to be on Alanon.

Warm regards,
Nan Reynolds

VERITIES AND BALDERDASH

VERITIES:
CHEMICAL DEPENDENCY IS NOT
A MENTAL ILLNESS
A BAD HABIT
A MORAL WEAKNESS
A SIGN OF BAD CHARACTER
A RESULT OF LIFE'S PRESSURES
A TEMPORARY LOSS OF CONTROL

BALDERDASH:
TO THINK THAT ANY OF THE ABOVE IS TRUE!!!!

How many hours and years family members mull over all of the reasons why they think that the addict they love is using alcohol and other drugs. We think of reason after excuse after explanation.

The fact is that chemical dependency is it's own entity. It has a life of it's own. There is an old saying that the man takes a drink, the drink takes the drink and then the drink takes the man. The first time the drug is used may well be just a social decision. It may be used in the hope that it will enhance an already fun time. The altered state of mind and feelings may also be sought as a solution to a problem. Then the solution eventually becomes another problem. The fact is that there are many people with mental illness or life pressure or moral weaknesses who do not alter their minds with alcohol or other drugs.
It is important that family members learn to understand that addiction clouds and confuses the picture. Like cream in coffee. For example, alcohol is a depressant. Many alcoholics are surprised to find that when they stop ingesting a depressant, they stop being depressed. The first thing that needs to stop is the chemical use. It is only then that a clear picture can emerge of other issues that need to be addressed, if any.

Warm regards,
Nan Regards

Thursday, April 30, 2009

IT IS NOT THAT YOU LIED TO ME, IT IS THAT I CAN NO LONGER TRUST YOU.

It is important for those who care for an active addict to not take it personally when they are on the receiving end of a lie. We need to understand that as the disease progresses; there are several defense mechanisms that begin to be in play by the addict. Most of these are unconscious and common to addiction. It is the brain of the addict finding ways to protect itself from the reality of the shape it is in. If I can lie to myself about what is happening to me, I can surely lie to you. Once a person has lied, there is a loss of credibility. Much of the pain of the family is the loss of trust as a deceit is uncovered. Family and friends expend a great deal of energy now testing trust. It feels so unloving and unkind to admit that you no longer trust that person. We lie to ourselves about that, all of which drags us down the rabbit hole.

When recovery begins, the addict wants our trust and we lie again--saying that we do trust. We do not want to be emotionally honest for fear it will upset the recovering person.
Well--let me suggest a better way. It is OK to be honest and nicely tell the truth. "No- I do not trust yet. I trust you, but I do not trust addiction. Let us not talk about trust again for a year. Let us, instead, just focus on what we both need to do in our recovery. I want to trust you and I love you." It is important to think of recovery like a Podiatry program. We need to watch the feet and not the mouth. Are your feet and their feet where they need to be? Hint; at meetings and in healthy places.

Warm regards,
Nan Reynolds

DO YOU CHOOSE TO BECOME LESS IN PAIN--OR MORE?

A friend of mine once said, "Nothing seems to be getting better except me!"
And this is the wondrous feeling one can acquire if one chooses to do the hard work of turning lemons into lemonade. It is said that the only real disability in life is a bad attitude.

Loss and pain enter every life, eventually and in a myriad of forms. It is the choice of whether we want to have had a sad life, or a life with sadness in it. Maslow said, "Make growth choices, not fear choices". A question I ask myself is whether I would prefer to be better, or bitter. Pain is a great alarm clock. It can wake us up to the need to come to terms with whatever the pain is about. Alanon has always been a great help in this journey and helps one give perspective to life. We can stay attached to the pain, or let go and risk that we shall not perish. The pain in my life has always led me to a path that offers growth and a whole new “turn in the road.” Soldier on!

IF I AM WHAT I DO AND THEN I DON'T, I'M NOT

This little profound statement takes some explaining. It is often the feeling of loss and emptiness that family members have once the addict reaches treatment, begins to change and the people in the relationship start a needed new way of relating to each other. In the case of the family member being a spouse, it may have involved some heavy-duty care-taking and controlling of the addict and this role, no longer desired in recovery, sometimes leaves the spouse feeling unemployed or pink-slipped. The addict is struggling for self-reliance and confidence and the spouse needs to support them in no longer being the addicts answer to life. It can feel depressing and disorienting to the spouse who has wished for a partner, but now struggles with words and feelings on just how to not be the one with all the answers. In the case of parents and an adult child in recovery, the same feelings occur. Just how do you come to grips that your parenting days are over, even though you remain the parent? Just how do you now develop an adult-to-adult relationship with your child. Most mothers, especially, dislike this true statement: Mothers are not for leaning on, they are to make leaning unnecessary. Ouch! My response to this daily pondering is that we are not roles, but we are individuals. Roles change but relating as individuals is part of the richness of recovery for everyone.

Regards,
Nan Reynolds

Thursday, January 22, 2009

THE RELATIONSHIP REMAINS THE SAME BUT THE FELLOWSHP IS BROKEN

"THE RELATIONSHIP REMAINS THE SAME BUT THE FELLOWSHP IS BROKEN." This is not as confusing as it seems if you understand that once a person becomes addicted, they are really just not available to you. And--this can mean any addiction of any type: To the computer, to sex, to shopping, to business and career, to eating, to working, to volunteerism, to any excessive preoccupation.
The relationships remain--as in parent to child, spouse to spouse, child to parent, friend to friend, sibling to sibling. However, the connections are broken. Many, if not all, of the "used to"s are evaporated. The addiction slowly eclipses the ways we connect to others. I remember missing my sons great sense of humor when he was preoccupied with his marijuana .
We have an initial vague sense of loss and cannot identify it. We make excuses. We try to make it OK and try to fix it, whatever "it" may be. We settle for reduced contact.Even if the addict is sitting next to you, their focus is elsewhere.You can tell. Their addiction becomes increasingly the only game in town and we do not have an invitation to the stadium.

I CANNOT SAVE YOUR FROM YOUR DARKNESS, BUT I SHALL NOT CLOSE YOU OUT OF MY HEART

"I CANNOT SAVE YOU FROM YOUR DARKNESS, BUT I SHALL NOT CLOSE YOU OUT OF MY HEART."
This is a line from "THE YA YA SISTERHOOD". The oldest and responsible daughter of that Southern family with the charming and brutal alcoholic mother came to this realization after she returned home as an adult. She was attending a family reunion after many years away and she saw that not much had changed in the family dynamics. She had always tried to cheer up her father, stop her mother from drinking or being upset, rescue her siblings. It did not work. She had left home angry and bitter.
As she returned North to her adult life, the thought for today was also her thought on the road. It is a bittersweet reality. On one hand, it is grievous to know you really cannot change someone else and, on the other hand,it is a great relief.
So often, we use anger to separate us from what upsets us. How profound that she was able to see that she could still fully act loving with her family. She realized that allowing the soft feeling toward others does not mean you are going to jump into the ring with them. It is the great lesson of 12 step programs and they call it Loving Detachment. Detachment does not mean abandonment.

IT IS NOT HUMANLY POSSIBLE TO FIX SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT WANT TO BE FIXED

Limitations..We all have 'em. But what I want to talk about is a limitation that I have observed mostly in men. Actually, men are socialized to "fix" things. Do we not give little boys a tool belt as a gift? Did we not ask Dad to fix the bicycle? Or toaster? (And I know that many women, at this point, are feeling a protest coming on). However, we frequently look to a male to be a fixer. Thank heaven that so many of them are up to the task. BUT---it is a reality that you cannot fix an addict whether child or spouse or parent or sibling or friend. Here is where is gets rough for men--because they have often agreed with me that their failure to "fix" the most important people in their lives has led them straight to feelings of anger because it creates feelings of inadequacy in them and this anger is so detrimental to their health and relationships. It feels like a measure of their worth as a person.
The truth is that they need to know that it is not humanly possible to fix someone who does not wish it. It is a hard lesson in powerlessness and sadness. It is this sadness that they need to allow. It is hurtful, but far less damaging than anger. They then need to get support and education about addiction to discover what behaviors and actions just might have an effect on the addicts choices.

12 SPOUSES of 12 ADDICTS

While facilitating a family and friends group at Brighton Hospital, there were several memorable moments. One of my favorite was a spouse group where 12 wives of 12patients (sounds like On My Way To St. Ives) were exploring the week's issues. The door opened and in flew a late arrival, exclaiming "I am so happy today. I think my life is crumbling into place". We all knew exactly what she meant.
Like a jumbled puzzle where none of the pieces make sense, when you finally get an education about addiction and truly understand that it has nothing to do with you and when you finally begin to emotionally extract yourself from the chaos, it does begin to clear the picture. It does feel like the implosion of all of your prior perspectives and conclusions and what rises from the dust is reality and a grip on yourself. All of which, ironically, is also the best thing ever to happen to the addict. The pieces begin to make sense.

We have been reactive and our way of thinking had become our way of being. Now, at last, there is the freedom of responding and only then do thinking and acting
become congruent. Whew!

Regards,
Nan Reynolds

SOMETIMES, THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO "TO" AN ALCOHOLIC IS THE ONLY THING THAT WILL HELP.

PONDERING FOR THE DAY:
SOMETIMES, THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO "TO" AN ALCOHOLIC IS THE ONLY THING THAT WILL HELP.

The Ad Council once ran this as an ad. It surely recognized that the responses we need to follow in relationship with an addict do seem, at times, cruel, unloving and harsh. It does indeed feel like a punishment or an angry decision. However, it is possible to say "No' lovingly.

Why is is that we feel we must be angry to say No? Lovingly----That is the ultimate destination for a family member, and this attitude is learned in attendance at 12 step family meetings available in 157 countries. It is important to match our attitude to the facts. The fact is that none of our home remedy efforts to help the addict are effective if they are efforts to fix yet another mess made by the addicts' use.
To refuse to be a part of the problem is, at first , very hard on the family or friend. We are delusional,however, if we feel that one more bail out of any kind is helpful. It is only a Band-aid on a gaping wound.
We will later explore the process of Interventions, which is highly effective. Even this great tool feels as if we are doing something TO the alcoholic or addict. That is, until everyone realizes that it is the most loving form of ToughLove. Tough on us and the addict.