THE RELATIONSHIP REMAINS THE SAME BUT THE FELLOWSHP IS BROKEN

"THE RELATIONSHIP REMAINS THE SAME BUT THE FELLOWSHP IS BROKEN." This is not as confusing as it seems if you understand that once a person becomes addicted, they are really just not available to you. And--this can mean any addiction of any type: To the computer, to sex, to shopping, to business and career, to eating, to working, to volunteerism, to any excessive preoccupation.
The relationships remain--as in parent to child, spouse to spouse, child to parent, friend to friend, sibling to sibling. However, the connections are broken. Many, if not all, of the "used to"s are evaporated. The addiction slowly eclipses the ways we connect to others. I remember missing my sons great sense of humor when he was preoccupied with his marijuana .
We have an initial vague sense of loss and cannot identify it. We make excuses. We try to make it OK and try to fix it, whatever "it" may be. We settle for reduced contact.Even if the addict is sitting next to you, their focus is elsewhere.You can tell. Their addiction becomes increasingly the only game in town and we do not have an invitation to the stadium.

IT IS NOT HUMANLY POSSIBLE TO FIX SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT WANT TO BE FIXED

Limitations..We all have 'em. But what I want to talk about is a limitation that I have observed mostly in men. Actually, men are socialized to "fix" things. Do we not give little boys a tool belt as a gift? Did we not ask Dad to fix the bicycle? Or toaster? (And I know that many women, at this point, are feeling a protest coming on). However, we frequently look to a male to be a fixer. Thank heaven that so many of them are up to the task. BUT---it is a reality that you cannot fix an addict whether child or spouse or parent or sibling or friend. Here is where is gets rough for men--because they have often agreed with me that their failure to "fix" the most important people in their lives has led them straight to feelings of anger because it creates feelings of inadequacy in them and this anger is so detrimental to their health and relationships. It feels like a measure of their worth as a person.
The truth is that they need to know that it is not humanly possible to fix someone who does not wish it. It is a hard lesson in powerlessness and sadness. It is this sadness that they need to allow. It is hurtful, but far less damaging than anger. They then need to get support and education about addiction to discover what behaviors and actions just might have an effect on the addicts choices.