I CANNOT SAVE YOUR FROM YOUR DARKNESS, BUT I SHALL NOT CLOSE YOU OUT OF MY HEART

"I CANNOT SAVE YOU FROM YOUR DARKNESS, BUT I SHALL NOT CLOSE YOU OUT OF MY HEART."
This is a line from "THE YA YA SISTERHOOD". The oldest and responsible daughter of that Southern family with the charming and brutal alcoholic mother came to this realization after she returned home as an adult. She was attending a family reunion after many years away and she saw that not much had changed in the family dynamics. She had always tried to cheer up her father, stop her mother from drinking or being upset, rescue her siblings. It did not work. She had left home angry and bitter.
As she returned North to her adult life, the thought for today was also her thought on the road. It is a bittersweet reality. On one hand, it is grievous to know you really cannot change someone else and, on the other hand,it is a great relief.
So often, we use anger to separate us from what upsets us. How profound that she was able to see that she could still fully act loving with her family. She realized that allowing the soft feeling toward others does not mean you are going to jump into the ring with them. It is the great lesson of 12 step programs and they call it Loving Detachment. Detachment does not mean abandonment.

WE NEED TO STOP TAKING PERSONALLY THAT WHICH IS HAPPENING TO US PERSONALLY

I suggest that everyone who loves an addict start carrying around a Q-tip in purse or pocket. This is to remind you that you need to "Quit Taking It Personally".
Of course, it feels very personal. The truth, however, is that none of the behaviors or actions or words or disappointments or unloving moments in the relationship with the addict are a reflection of you or your worth as a person. Addiction of someone else is not about you. It never has been, is not, and never will be. This is true regardless of the nature of the relationship. You are off the hook!
Whether you are a child, a spouse, a sibling, a friend or a parent, you need to be clear in the knowledge that you are not the problem and did not cause the problem. It is only when we think that we are and then we try to help that we run the risk of then becoming a part of the problem. Later on that became called enabling.
Surely, when we annoy others and hurt them and fail them we are are less than perfect in our humanness. This is still not the reason that addiction develops. The addict sees chemicals as a solution and has little thought or knowledge that their solution shall become a problem. Addiction has a life of its own.
I guess this is the good/bad news for families and friends. Because if it has nothing to do with us, then we also face the reality that there is nothing we can change that will fix the addict. We then face our feelings of powerlessness.