DOES YOUR ADJUSTMENT TO LIFE REQUIRE SUFFERING?

In the 12 Step Program, one of the healthy concepts often referred to is that we should never let yesterday use up too much of today. If you had a childhood imprinted by someone’s addiction, there is a great chance that it created some suffering for you of any or every kind. You may have been robbed of trust, respect, fun that was safe, connection and loving behaviors from a parent. Actually, even if the addict was your sibling, there was suffering for you in that home. So--you build defense systems and survival skills. One of these may have been the conclusion that it was not safe or wise to feel good, be happy or have fun. As a child, it makes sense to never expect these things would at least not lead to yet another disappointment. It is not uncommon for children of alcoholics to not trust feelings of well-being because the next parental drink or drug would plunge the household or picnic into another bad memory. Neither is it uncommon for these children, now grown and into their own lives, to recognize that they are uncomfortable with sanity, consistency, pleasure and to trust that it is OK to feel good. Actually, they can sabotage the good times from an unconscious need to return to what feels familiar. (Many relapses are thought to be based on this truth).

It is OK to be OK. It is OK to feel OK. Childhood conclusions can be reassessed in the light of today’s realities

"FEELINGS WHOA, WHOA, WHOA..."

With all due respect to what has been called the worst song ever written from 1975, I want to talk about these pesky little things that seem to pop up forever for family and friends of an active addict. It was once researched (do not ask me when or by whom) that if a person was using chemicals during an event, such as alcohol, that the passage of time will obliterate any feeling memory of that event. Not so for the drug free family member who will register the event in their brain with all of the myriad of feelings that came with the happening. The drug free brain will then hang on to the feeling memory until the end of time. So--what is the problem?? It is found in the recovery. The addict may remember, however vaguely, the things that occurred, but not the feelings that registered at the time. Remember, the addict is sedated, anesthetized and numbed. For the other person, however, the feelings will accompany the memory and reappear in full force--even years later. That is a major difference in the recovery tasks of both people. In Alanon, one learns to be on guard against the unguarded moments. You need these skills when, out of the blue, some old feeling grabs you and you are in a painful place again. It is not unusual for your phone to ring at 3 am and your heart races even though your addict has been in recovery for 8 years and is asleep next to you. It is not unusual for the sober addict to be detained on some errand, and you start to clock-watch with increasing old dreads. These old feelings are like flashbacks and have a powerful pull. In a recovery program, you learn to quickly recognize what is probably irrational and are able to calm yourself back to reality.

Regards,
Nan Reynolds

LETTING GO AND LETTING GOD IS NOT A PASSPORT TO INERTIA.

There is such wisdom in the Serenity Prayer, which is recited at every 12 Step Meeting. GOD, GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE." It is the final phrase that is the challenge. It is also said that God does not drive a parked car. We need to follow a dual path--knowing full well that we do not control the outcome of others, but also knowing that there are some more effective attitudes and behaviors and actions that we might try when attempting to encourage or motivate the active addict toward wanting help. It is imperative that we reach out to professionals, 12 Step literature, 12 Step family meetings, or the wealth of literature now available on the subject. We need to stop our reactions and start responding from a base of knowledge and facts. A common uninformed family behavior is to react over and over. Why do we keep on repeating actions that have never worked? As an Alanon member once said: The addict is on drugs and we need to be on Alanon.

Warm regards,
Nan Reynolds

VERITIES AND BALDERDASH

VERITIES:
CHEMICAL DEPENDENCY IS NOT
A MENTAL ILLNESS
A BAD HABIT
A MORAL WEAKNESS
A SIGN OF BAD CHARACTER
A RESULT OF LIFE'S PRESSURES
A TEMPORARY LOSS OF CONTROL

BALDERDASH:
TO THINK THAT ANY OF THE ABOVE IS TRUE!!!!

How many hours and years family members mull over all of the reasons why they think that the addict they love is using alcohol and other drugs. We think of reason after excuse after explanation.

The fact is that chemical dependency is it's own entity. It has a life of it's own. There is an old saying that the man takes a drink, the drink takes the drink and then the drink takes the man. The first time the drug is used may well be just a social decision. It may be used in the hope that it will enhance an already fun time. The altered state of mind and feelings may also be sought as a solution to a problem. Then the solution eventually becomes another problem. The fact is that there are many people with mental illness or life pressure or moral weaknesses who do not alter their minds with alcohol or other drugs.
It is important that family members learn to understand that addiction clouds and confuses the picture. Like cream in coffee. For example, alcohol is a depressant. Many alcoholics are surprised to find that when they stop ingesting a depressant, they stop being depressed. The first thing that needs to stop is the chemical use. It is only then that a clear picture can emerge of other issues that need to be addressed, if any.

Warm regards,
Nan Regards