DOES YOUR ADJUSTMENT TO LIFE REQUIRE SUFFERING?

In the 12 Step Program, one of the healthy concepts often referred to is that we should never let yesterday use up too much of today. If you had a childhood imprinted by someone’s addiction, there is a great chance that it created some suffering for you of any or every kind. You may have been robbed of trust, respect, fun that was safe, connection and loving behaviors from a parent. Actually, even if the addict was your sibling, there was suffering for you in that home. So--you build defense systems and survival skills. One of these may have been the conclusion that it was not safe or wise to feel good, be happy or have fun. As a child, it makes sense to never expect these things would at least not lead to yet another disappointment. It is not uncommon for children of alcoholics to not trust feelings of well-being because the next parental drink or drug would plunge the household or picnic into another bad memory. Neither is it uncommon for these children, now grown and into their own lives, to recognize that they are uncomfortable with sanity, consistency, pleasure and to trust that it is OK to feel good. Actually, they can sabotage the good times from an unconscious need to return to what feels familiar. (Many relapses are thought to be based on this truth).

It is OK to be OK. It is OK to feel OK. Childhood conclusions can be reassessed in the light of today’s realities

LETTING GO AND LETTING GOD IS NOT A PASSPORT TO INERTIA.

There is such wisdom in the Serenity Prayer, which is recited at every 12 Step Meeting. GOD, GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE." It is the final phrase that is the challenge. It is also said that God does not drive a parked car. We need to follow a dual path--knowing full well that we do not control the outcome of others, but also knowing that there are some more effective attitudes and behaviors and actions that we might try when attempting to encourage or motivate the active addict toward wanting help. It is imperative that we reach out to professionals, 12 Step literature, 12 Step family meetings, or the wealth of literature now available on the subject. We need to stop our reactions and start responding from a base of knowledge and facts. A common uninformed family behavior is to react over and over. Why do we keep on repeating actions that have never worked? As an Alanon member once said: The addict is on drugs and we need to be on Alanon.

Warm regards,
Nan Reynolds

THE CHOICE IS ALWAYS OURS

PONDERING FOR THE DAY

THE CHOICE IS ALWAYS OURS (ALDOUS HUXLEY)

There are so many dilemmas and questions and choices if you are in a relationship with someone who is addicted. There are not too many "rights" or "wrongs". The situations are all so different, even though they are so alike. It is like having a cat up a tree. We all know what that must be like, but there are different cats and different trees.

It occurred to me one day that I really was between two unpleasant choices for myself. If I said "YES" to the person, I would feel resentment. If I said "NO" to the person I would feel guilt. I used to even feel guilty about feeling guilty!.
Over the years and multiple opportunities to make such a decision, the choice of feeling guilt took priority over the choice of feeling resentment. The fact is that I got much better at shedding guilt rather rapidly and not so hot at letting go of resentments. So--No it was and Guilt it was. It felt like being kind to myself and, amazingly, the world still turns.