THE CHOICE IS ALWAYS OURS

PONDERING FOR THE DAY

THE CHOICE IS ALWAYS OURS (ALDOUS HUXLEY)

There are so many dilemmas and questions and choices if you are in a relationship with someone who is addicted. There are not too many "rights" or "wrongs". The situations are all so different, even though they are so alike. It is like having a cat up a tree. We all know what that must be like, but there are different cats and different trees.

It occurred to me one day that I really was between two unpleasant choices for myself. If I said "YES" to the person, I would feel resentment. If I said "NO" to the person I would feel guilt. I used to even feel guilty about feeling guilty!.
Over the years and multiple opportunities to make such a decision, the choice of feeling guilt took priority over the choice of feeling resentment. The fact is that I got much better at shedding guilt rather rapidly and not so hot at letting go of resentments. So--No it was and Guilt it was. It felt like being kind to myself and, amazingly, the world still turns.

MY LIFE CANNOT BE WHAT YOU HAVE FIGURED OUT!

PONDERING FOR THE DAY:

MY LIFE CANNOT BE WHAT YOU HAVE FIGURED OUT!

Years ago, the man in my life and I came home from the video store with two choices. I had picked Jungle Book and he chose a John Wayne movie. Once home, I was going on and on about how all adults need to see Jungle Book with all of its great life lessons. He listened patiently from the chair as he held his John W. video. After I had exhausted my list of arguments, he simply looked at me and uttered the pondering for today. Of course, we watched John Wayne.

This man was 30 years in the 12 step recovery program and had learned to keep it simple. And I have quoted his great line many times. It seems to make it all so clear.

YOU DO NOT NEED TO GO TO EVERY ARGUMENT YOU ARE INVITED TO

There is a great difference between reacting and responding. Someone once said(not sure who) that maturity is marked by the lack of reactivity. It means that you have stopped allowing others to pull your strings. You actually put the old brain in gear and think awhile before you answer.
This is a valuable thing to master in life. And imperative if you are struggling with someone who uses chemicals(alcohol is a chemical) to excess.
It is well known in recovery circles that the addict will create an argument as a set-up to reach for the bottle. Creating distance is necessary for the addict, who prefers isolation and being in the company of other addicts. So--be careful that you do not take the bait. It will not stop the addict from leaving the house or the fellowship, but at least you feel better about yourself and retain personal power.
Many a spouse has been left behind, feeling that they said something wrong that set off the addict. Then, in their guilt, the whole system deepens as they try to make it all better by walking on eggshells. Please. You are not in a relationship any longer, but now in case management.
Please remember that these addict behaviors are common and as much a part of the disease as a cough is to a cold. The addicts brain is again trying to protect it from the reality of what a mess they are in. It is an unconscious defense mechanism.
One Alanon presenter once suggested that there are some neutral responses to a coming argument: OH---OOOOHHHHH---YES---NO--MAYBE---REALLY?---WOW!

Warm regards,
Nan Reynolds

LIVING WITH AN ADDICT

So--who knew?? Not many people have home or school preparation for how to live more effectively with an addict. It should be worth at least 100 credits. If you are the child of an alcoholic, you learned how to survive, but not necessarily how to cope. As an adult, we need coping skills.

People always advise that one should take care of themselves. Sounds good, but what does it mean? In my years as a therapist with the Brighton Hospital family program, there was a simple picture that people seemed to grasp. I drew a boxing ring and in it was a stick figure of the addict doing a wild dance with their addiction. Arms and legs are flailing about. The other stick figure in the ring was the family member standing next to the addict doing all the well-meaning behaviors. Helping, rescuing, lecturing, saving, protecting, etc. Actually, all the family member got for their effort were several bruises as the arms and legs of the addict continued to swing about. Also--the anger grew and grew.

I then moved the family stick figure and simply placed it just outside of one of the ropes of the ring. Protection. Not abandonment, but a safe place from which to observe the ongoing dance of the addict. The rope symbolized all of the ways of taking care of yourself. They included educating yourself about addiction, attending your own support group(Alanon or Naranon),no longer taking it all personally, setting boundaries for yourself, returning to your own authentic life and the things that you have postponed doing, learning to be responsive and not reactive, tending to healthier living.

You would be amazed what changing your perspective can lead to. And, as a bonus, when you finally see that the addict continues the wild dance you can to really see how it is not about you.

Warm regards,
Nan Reynolds