IT IS NOT THAT YOU LIED TO ME, IT IS THAT I CAN NO LONGER TRUST YOU.

It is important for those who care for an active addict to not take it personally when they are on the receiving end of a lie. We need to understand that as the disease progresses; there are several defense mechanisms that begin to be in play by the addict. Most of these are unconscious and common to addiction. It is the brain of the addict finding ways to protect itself from the reality of the shape it is in. If I can lie to myself about what is happening to me, I can surely lie to you. Once a person has lied, there is a loss of credibility. Much of the pain of the family is the loss of trust as a deceit is uncovered. Family and friends expend a great deal of energy now testing trust. It feels so unloving and unkind to admit that you no longer trust that person. We lie to ourselves about that, all of which drags us down the rabbit hole.

When recovery begins, the addict wants our trust and we lie again--saying that we do trust. We do not want to be emotionally honest for fear it will upset the recovering person.
Well--let me suggest a better way. It is OK to be honest and nicely tell the truth. "No- I do not trust yet. I trust you, but I do not trust addiction. Let us not talk about trust again for a year. Let us, instead, just focus on what we both need to do in our recovery. I want to trust you and I love you." It is important to think of recovery like a Podiatry program. We need to watch the feet and not the mouth. Are your feet and their feet where they need to be? Hint; at meetings and in healthy places.

Warm regards,
Nan Reynolds

DO YOU CHOOSE TO BECOME LESS IN PAIN--OR MORE?

A friend of mine once said, "Nothing seems to be getting better except me!"
And this is the wondrous feeling one can acquire if one chooses to do the hard work of turning lemons into lemonade. It is said that the only real disability in life is a bad attitude.

Loss and pain enter every life, eventually and in a myriad of forms. It is the choice of whether we want to have had a sad life, or a life with sadness in it. Maslow said, "Make growth choices, not fear choices". A question I ask myself is whether I would prefer to be better, or bitter. Pain is a great alarm clock. It can wake us up to the need to come to terms with whatever the pain is about. Alanon has always been a great help in this journey and helps one give perspective to life. We can stay attached to the pain, or let go and risk that we shall not perish. The pain in my life has always led me to a path that offers growth and a whole new “turn in the road.” Soldier on!

IF I AM WHAT I DO AND THEN I DON'T, I'M NOT

This little profound statement takes some explaining. It is often the feeling of loss and emptiness that family members have once the addict reaches treatment, begins to change and the people in the relationship start a needed new way of relating to each other. In the case of the family member being a spouse, it may have involved some heavy-duty care-taking and controlling of the addict and this role, no longer desired in recovery, sometimes leaves the spouse feeling unemployed or pink-slipped. The addict is struggling for self-reliance and confidence and the spouse needs to support them in no longer being the addicts answer to life. It can feel depressing and disorienting to the spouse who has wished for a partner, but now struggles with words and feelings on just how to not be the one with all the answers. In the case of parents and an adult child in recovery, the same feelings occur. Just how do you come to grips that your parenting days are over, even though you remain the parent? Just how do you now develop an adult-to-adult relationship with your child. Most mothers, especially, dislike this true statement: Mothers are not for leaning on, they are to make leaning unnecessary. Ouch! My response to this daily pondering is that we are not roles, but we are individuals. Roles change but relating as individuals is part of the richness of recovery for everyone.

Regards,
Nan Reynolds

THE RELATIONSHIP REMAINS THE SAME BUT THE FELLOWSHP IS BROKEN

"THE RELATIONSHIP REMAINS THE SAME BUT THE FELLOWSHP IS BROKEN." This is not as confusing as it seems if you understand that once a person becomes addicted, they are really just not available to you. And--this can mean any addiction of any type: To the computer, to sex, to shopping, to business and career, to eating, to working, to volunteerism, to any excessive preoccupation.
The relationships remain--as in parent to child, spouse to spouse, child to parent, friend to friend, sibling to sibling. However, the connections are broken. Many, if not all, of the "used to"s are evaporated. The addiction slowly eclipses the ways we connect to others. I remember missing my sons great sense of humor when he was preoccupied with his marijuana .
We have an initial vague sense of loss and cannot identify it. We make excuses. We try to make it OK and try to fix it, whatever "it" may be. We settle for reduced contact.Even if the addict is sitting next to you, their focus is elsewhere.You can tell. Their addiction becomes increasingly the only game in town and we do not have an invitation to the stadium.

I CANNOT SAVE YOUR FROM YOUR DARKNESS, BUT I SHALL NOT CLOSE YOU OUT OF MY HEART

"I CANNOT SAVE YOU FROM YOUR DARKNESS, BUT I SHALL NOT CLOSE YOU OUT OF MY HEART."
This is a line from "THE YA YA SISTERHOOD". The oldest and responsible daughter of that Southern family with the charming and brutal alcoholic mother came to this realization after she returned home as an adult. She was attending a family reunion after many years away and she saw that not much had changed in the family dynamics. She had always tried to cheer up her father, stop her mother from drinking or being upset, rescue her siblings. It did not work. She had left home angry and bitter.
As she returned North to her adult life, the thought for today was also her thought on the road. It is a bittersweet reality. On one hand, it is grievous to know you really cannot change someone else and, on the other hand,it is a great relief.
So often, we use anger to separate us from what upsets us. How profound that she was able to see that she could still fully act loving with her family. She realized that allowing the soft feeling toward others does not mean you are going to jump into the ring with them. It is the great lesson of 12 step programs and they call it Loving Detachment. Detachment does not mean abandonment.

IT IS NOT HUMANLY POSSIBLE TO FIX SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT WANT TO BE FIXED

Limitations..We all have 'em. But what I want to talk about is a limitation that I have observed mostly in men. Actually, men are socialized to "fix" things. Do we not give little boys a tool belt as a gift? Did we not ask Dad to fix the bicycle? Or toaster? (And I know that many women, at this point, are feeling a protest coming on). However, we frequently look to a male to be a fixer. Thank heaven that so many of them are up to the task. BUT---it is a reality that you cannot fix an addict whether child or spouse or parent or sibling or friend. Here is where is gets rough for men--because they have often agreed with me that their failure to "fix" the most important people in their lives has led them straight to feelings of anger because it creates feelings of inadequacy in them and this anger is so detrimental to their health and relationships. It feels like a measure of their worth as a person.
The truth is that they need to know that it is not humanly possible to fix someone who does not wish it. It is a hard lesson in powerlessness and sadness. It is this sadness that they need to allow. It is hurtful, but far less damaging than anger. They then need to get support and education about addiction to discover what behaviors and actions just might have an effect on the addicts choices.

12 SPOUSES of 12 ADDICTS

While facilitating a family and friends group at Brighton Hospital, there were several memorable moments. One of my favorite was a spouse group where 12 wives of 12patients (sounds like On My Way To St. Ives) were exploring the week's issues. The door opened and in flew a late arrival, exclaiming "I am so happy today. I think my life is crumbling into place". We all knew exactly what she meant.
Like a jumbled puzzle where none of the pieces make sense, when you finally get an education about addiction and truly understand that it has nothing to do with you and when you finally begin to emotionally extract yourself from the chaos, it does begin to clear the picture. It does feel like the implosion of all of your prior perspectives and conclusions and what rises from the dust is reality and a grip on yourself. All of which, ironically, is also the best thing ever to happen to the addict. The pieces begin to make sense.

We have been reactive and our way of thinking had become our way of being. Now, at last, there is the freedom of responding and only then do thinking and acting
become congruent. Whew!

Regards,
Nan Reynolds

SOMETIMES, THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO "TO" AN ALCOHOLIC IS THE ONLY THING THAT WILL HELP.

PONDERING FOR THE DAY:
SOMETIMES, THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO "TO" AN ALCOHOLIC IS THE ONLY THING THAT WILL HELP.

The Ad Council once ran this as an ad. It surely recognized that the responses we need to follow in relationship with an addict do seem, at times, cruel, unloving and harsh. It does indeed feel like a punishment or an angry decision. However, it is possible to say "No' lovingly.

Why is is that we feel we must be angry to say No? Lovingly----That is the ultimate destination for a family member, and this attitude is learned in attendance at 12 step family meetings available in 157 countries. It is important to match our attitude to the facts. The fact is that none of our home remedy efforts to help the addict are effective if they are efforts to fix yet another mess made by the addicts' use.
To refuse to be a part of the problem is, at first , very hard on the family or friend. We are delusional,however, if we feel that one more bail out of any kind is helpful. It is only a Band-aid on a gaping wound.
We will later explore the process of Interventions, which is highly effective. Even this great tool feels as if we are doing something TO the alcoholic or addict. That is, until everyone realizes that it is the most loving form of ToughLove. Tough on us and the addict.

THE CHOICE IS ALWAYS OURS

PONDERING FOR THE DAY

THE CHOICE IS ALWAYS OURS (ALDOUS HUXLEY)

There are so many dilemmas and questions and choices if you are in a relationship with someone who is addicted. There are not too many "rights" or "wrongs". The situations are all so different, even though they are so alike. It is like having a cat up a tree. We all know what that must be like, but there are different cats and different trees.

It occurred to me one day that I really was between two unpleasant choices for myself. If I said "YES" to the person, I would feel resentment. If I said "NO" to the person I would feel guilt. I used to even feel guilty about feeling guilty!.
Over the years and multiple opportunities to make such a decision, the choice of feeling guilt took priority over the choice of feeling resentment. The fact is that I got much better at shedding guilt rather rapidly and not so hot at letting go of resentments. So--No it was and Guilt it was. It felt like being kind to myself and, amazingly, the world still turns.

MY LIFE CANNOT BE WHAT YOU HAVE FIGURED OUT!

PONDERING FOR THE DAY:

MY LIFE CANNOT BE WHAT YOU HAVE FIGURED OUT!

Years ago, the man in my life and I came home from the video store with two choices. I had picked Jungle Book and he chose a John Wayne movie. Once home, I was going on and on about how all adults need to see Jungle Book with all of its great life lessons. He listened patiently from the chair as he held his John W. video. After I had exhausted my list of arguments, he simply looked at me and uttered the pondering for today. Of course, we watched John Wayne.

This man was 30 years in the 12 step recovery program and had learned to keep it simple. And I have quoted his great line many times. It seems to make it all so clear.

IS YOUR OWN SELF-GROWTH ABANDONED IN FAVOR OF WAITING FOR OTHERS TO CHANGE?

PONDERING FOR THE DAY:

IS YOUR OWN SELF-GROWTH ABANDONED IN FAVOR OF WAITING FOR OTHERS TO CHANGE?


It is so common to become eclipsed by someone else's problems, and as addiction begins to take the relationship hostage, one easily begins to put their energy into trying to "fix" that other person.

I remember a man who said he had purchased a boat for entertainment, but was afraid to take his wife out on the water for fear she might get drunk and fall overboard. When asked, he realized that he had not been on that boat for 6 years!

How common it is to postpone the dreams and plans in life waiting for the addict to stop using. Like, where did I go??

Ask yourself: What will I do if nothing ever changes?

The sad reality is that none of your sacrifices will change another person. Another example I have heard so many times is the wife quitting work because the addict complains that her being gone creates his need to drink. So--she then finds herself at home simply watching him drinking. Nothing changes, except her loss of a source of self esteem and security.

YOU DO NOT NEED TO GO TO EVERY ARGUMENT YOU ARE INVITED TO

There is a great difference between reacting and responding. Someone once said(not sure who) that maturity is marked by the lack of reactivity. It means that you have stopped allowing others to pull your strings. You actually put the old brain in gear and think awhile before you answer.
This is a valuable thing to master in life. And imperative if you are struggling with someone who uses chemicals(alcohol is a chemical) to excess.
It is well known in recovery circles that the addict will create an argument as a set-up to reach for the bottle. Creating distance is necessary for the addict, who prefers isolation and being in the company of other addicts. So--be careful that you do not take the bait. It will not stop the addict from leaving the house or the fellowship, but at least you feel better about yourself and retain personal power.
Many a spouse has been left behind, feeling that they said something wrong that set off the addict. Then, in their guilt, the whole system deepens as they try to make it all better by walking on eggshells. Please. You are not in a relationship any longer, but now in case management.
Please remember that these addict behaviors are common and as much a part of the disease as a cough is to a cold. The addicts brain is again trying to protect it from the reality of what a mess they are in. It is an unconscious defense mechanism.
One Alanon presenter once suggested that there are some neutral responses to a coming argument: OH---OOOOHHHHH---YES---NO--MAYBE---REALLY?---WOW!

Warm regards,
Nan Reynolds

LIVING WITH AN ADDICT

So--who knew?? Not many people have home or school preparation for how to live more effectively with an addict. It should be worth at least 100 credits. If you are the child of an alcoholic, you learned how to survive, but not necessarily how to cope. As an adult, we need coping skills.

People always advise that one should take care of themselves. Sounds good, but what does it mean? In my years as a therapist with the Brighton Hospital family program, there was a simple picture that people seemed to grasp. I drew a boxing ring and in it was a stick figure of the addict doing a wild dance with their addiction. Arms and legs are flailing about. The other stick figure in the ring was the family member standing next to the addict doing all the well-meaning behaviors. Helping, rescuing, lecturing, saving, protecting, etc. Actually, all the family member got for their effort were several bruises as the arms and legs of the addict continued to swing about. Also--the anger grew and grew.

I then moved the family stick figure and simply placed it just outside of one of the ropes of the ring. Protection. Not abandonment, but a safe place from which to observe the ongoing dance of the addict. The rope symbolized all of the ways of taking care of yourself. They included educating yourself about addiction, attending your own support group(Alanon or Naranon),no longer taking it all personally, setting boundaries for yourself, returning to your own authentic life and the things that you have postponed doing, learning to be responsive and not reactive, tending to healthier living.

You would be amazed what changing your perspective can lead to. And, as a bonus, when you finally see that the addict continues the wild dance you can to really see how it is not about you.

Warm regards,
Nan Reynolds

THE ADDICT IS NOT DOING ANYTHING TO YOU, BUT IN SPITE OF YOU.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
THE ADDICT IS NOT DOING ANYTHING TO YOU, BUT IN SPITE OF YOU.

I am not sure just why we react so personally to this disease of addiction. I can think of no other situation where family memeber and friends become so eclipsed by the misfortune of others. No doubt, part of the explanation lies in the fact that we do not see the problem. We also become eclipsed and slowly increase our caretaking and rescuing and efforts to control. Then, as nothing is successful, our walls or resentment build. The main question we mull over is: Why is she/he doing this to me?
Actually, the addict is NOT doing anything TO you--they are simply in a relationship with the chemical and it is the only dance partner on their card. The addict may look like and smell like and dress like the person you know, but they have been beamed up and are no longer fully available for your old relationship. They have a new love. It is helpful for us to also realize that they do not realize this--their toxic brain keeps them from seeing reality.

WE NEED TO STOP TAKING PERSONALLY THAT WHICH IS HAPPENING TO US PERSONALLY

I suggest that everyone who loves an addict start carrying around a Q-tip in purse or pocket. This is to remind you that you need to "Quit Taking It Personally".
Of course, it feels very personal. The truth, however, is that none of the behaviors or actions or words or disappointments or unloving moments in the relationship with the addict are a reflection of you or your worth as a person. Addiction of someone else is not about you. It never has been, is not, and never will be. This is true regardless of the nature of the relationship. You are off the hook!
Whether you are a child, a spouse, a sibling, a friend or a parent, you need to be clear in the knowledge that you are not the problem and did not cause the problem. It is only when we think that we are and then we try to help that we run the risk of then becoming a part of the problem. Later on that became called enabling.
Surely, when we annoy others and hurt them and fail them we are are less than perfect in our humanness. This is still not the reason that addiction develops. The addict sees chemicals as a solution and has little thought or knowledge that their solution shall become a problem. Addiction has a life of its own.
I guess this is the good/bad news for families and friends. Because if it has nothing to do with us, then we also face the reality that there is nothing we can change that will fix the addict. We then face our feelings of powerlessness.

HOPE! HELP! HEALING FOR THE FUTURE!

A middle-aged Brighton Hospital patient describes her alcohol addiction problems and her path to recovery with the help of the drug treatment program's counselors and staff. Brighton Hospital is the second-oldest alcohol and chemical dependency treatment provider in the country and the first to be licensed in Michigan. A national leader in addiction treatment that began in the early 1950s.

THERE'S HOPE FOR YOU!

A middle-aged Brighton Hospital patient describes her alcohol addiction problems and her path to recovery with the help of the drug treatment program's counselors and staff. Brighton Hospital is the second-oldest alcohol and chemical dependency treatment provider in the country and the first to be licensed in Michigan. A national leader in addiction treatment that began in the early 1950s.

BRIGHTON HOSPITAL PONDERINGS FOR THE DAY...

Welcome to the Brighton Hospital Blog....Please continue to visit as I post new blogs & please respond with your comments and questions so I can speak to your issues.

Thank you,
Nan Reynolds