PONDERING FOR THE DAY
THE CHOICE IS ALWAYS OURS (ALDOUS HUXLEY)
There are so many dilemmas and questions and choices if you are in a relationship with someone who is addicted. There are not too many "rights" or "wrongs". The situations are all so different, even though they are so alike. It is like having a cat up a tree. We all know what that must be like, but there are different cats and different trees.
It occurred to me one day that I really was between two unpleasant choices for myself. If I said "YES" to the person, I would feel resentment. If I said "NO" to the person I would feel guilt. I used to even feel guilty about feeling guilty!.
Over the years and multiple opportunities to make such a decision, the choice of feeling guilt took priority over the choice of feeling resentment. The fact is that I got much better at shedding guilt rather rapidly and not so hot at letting go of resentments. So--No it was and Guilt it was. It felt like being kind to myself and, amazingly, the world still turns.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
MY LIFE CANNOT BE WHAT YOU HAVE FIGURED OUT!
PONDERING FOR THE DAY:
MY LIFE CANNOT BE WHAT YOU HAVE FIGURED OUT!
Years ago, the man in my life and I came home from the video store with two choices. I had picked Jungle Book and he chose a John Wayne movie. Once home, I was going on and on about how all adults need to see Jungle Book with all of its great life lessons. He listened patiently from the chair as he held his John W. video. After I had exhausted my list of arguments, he simply looked at me and uttered the pondering for today. Of course, we watched John Wayne.
This man was 30 years in the 12 step recovery program and had learned to keep it simple. And I have quoted his great line many times. It seems to make it all so clear.
MY LIFE CANNOT BE WHAT YOU HAVE FIGURED OUT!
Years ago, the man in my life and I came home from the video store with two choices. I had picked Jungle Book and he chose a John Wayne movie. Once home, I was going on and on about how all adults need to see Jungle Book with all of its great life lessons. He listened patiently from the chair as he held his John W. video. After I had exhausted my list of arguments, he simply looked at me and uttered the pondering for today. Of course, we watched John Wayne.
This man was 30 years in the 12 step recovery program and had learned to keep it simple. And I have quoted his great line many times. It seems to make it all so clear.
Friday, October 31, 2008
IS YOUR OWN SELF-GROWTH ABANDONED IN FAVOR OF WAITING FOR OTHERS TO CHANGE?
PONDERING FOR THE DAY:
IS YOUR OWN SELF-GROWTH ABANDONED IN FAVOR OF WAITING FOR OTHERS TO CHANGE?
It is so common to become eclipsed by someone else's problems, and as addiction begins to take the relationship hostage, one easily begins to put their energy into trying to "fix" that other person.
I remember a man who said he had purchased a boat for entertainment, but was afraid to take his wife out on the water for fear she might get drunk and fall overboard. When asked, he realized that he had not been on that boat for 6 years!
How common it is to postpone the dreams and plans in life waiting for the addict to stop using. Like, where did I go??
Ask yourself: What will I do if nothing ever changes?
The sad reality is that none of your sacrifices will change another person. Another example I have heard so many times is the wife quitting work because the addict complains that her being gone creates his need to drink. So--she then finds herself at home simply watching him drinking. Nothing changes, except her loss of a source of self esteem and security.
IS YOUR OWN SELF-GROWTH ABANDONED IN FAVOR OF WAITING FOR OTHERS TO CHANGE?
It is so common to become eclipsed by someone else's problems, and as addiction begins to take the relationship hostage, one easily begins to put their energy into trying to "fix" that other person.
I remember a man who said he had purchased a boat for entertainment, but was afraid to take his wife out on the water for fear she might get drunk and fall overboard. When asked, he realized that he had not been on that boat for 6 years!
How common it is to postpone the dreams and plans in life waiting for the addict to stop using. Like, where did I go??
Ask yourself: What will I do if nothing ever changes?
The sad reality is that none of your sacrifices will change another person. Another example I have heard so many times is the wife quitting work because the addict complains that her being gone creates his need to drink. So--she then finds herself at home simply watching him drinking. Nothing changes, except her loss of a source of self esteem and security.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
YOU DO NOT NEED TO GO TO EVERY ARGUMENT YOU ARE INVITED TO
There is a great difference between reacting and responding. Someone once said(not sure who) that maturity is marked by the lack of reactivity. It means that you have stopped allowing others to pull your strings. You actually put the old brain in gear and think awhile before you answer.
This is a valuable thing to master in life. And imperative if you are struggling with someone who uses chemicals(alcohol is a chemical) to excess.
It is well known in recovery circles that the addict will create an argument as a set-up to reach for the bottle. Creating distance is necessary for the addict, who prefers isolation and being in the company of other addicts. So--be careful that you do not take the bait. It will not stop the addict from leaving the house or the fellowship, but at least you feel better about yourself and retain personal power.
Many a spouse has been left behind, feeling that they said something wrong that set off the addict. Then, in their guilt, the whole system deepens as they try to make it all better by walking on eggshells. Please. You are not in a relationship any longer, but now in case management.
Please remember that these addict behaviors are common and as much a part of the disease as a cough is to a cold. The addicts brain is again trying to protect it from the reality of what a mess they are in. It is an unconscious defense mechanism.
One Alanon presenter once suggested that there are some neutral responses to a coming argument: OH---OOOOHHHHH---YES---NO--MAYBE---REALLY?---WOW!
Warm regards,
Nan Reynolds
This is a valuable thing to master in life. And imperative if you are struggling with someone who uses chemicals(alcohol is a chemical) to excess.
It is well known in recovery circles that the addict will create an argument as a set-up to reach for the bottle. Creating distance is necessary for the addict, who prefers isolation and being in the company of other addicts. So--be careful that you do not take the bait. It will not stop the addict from leaving the house or the fellowship, but at least you feel better about yourself and retain personal power.
Many a spouse has been left behind, feeling that they said something wrong that set off the addict. Then, in their guilt, the whole system deepens as they try to make it all better by walking on eggshells. Please. You are not in a relationship any longer, but now in case management.
Please remember that these addict behaviors are common and as much a part of the disease as a cough is to a cold. The addicts brain is again trying to protect it from the reality of what a mess they are in. It is an unconscious defense mechanism.
One Alanon presenter once suggested that there are some neutral responses to a coming argument: OH---OOOOHHHHH---YES---NO--MAYBE---REALLY?---WOW!
Warm regards,
Nan Reynolds
Thursday, September 18, 2008
LIVING WITH AN ADDICT
So--who knew?? Not many people have home or school preparation for how to live more effectively with an addict. It should be worth at least 100 credits. If you are the child of an alcoholic, you learned how to survive, but not necessarily how to cope. As an adult, we need coping skills.
People always advise that one should take care of themselves. Sounds good, but what does it mean? In my years as a therapist with the Brighton Hospital family program, there was a simple picture that people seemed to grasp. I drew a boxing ring and in it was a stick figure of the addict doing a wild dance with their addiction. Arms and legs are flailing about. The other stick figure in the ring was the family member standing next to the addict doing all the well-meaning behaviors. Helping, rescuing, lecturing, saving, protecting, etc. Actually, all the family member got for their effort were several bruises as the arms and legs of the addict continued to swing about. Also--the anger grew and grew.
I then moved the family stick figure and simply placed it just outside of one of the ropes of the ring. Protection. Not abandonment, but a safe place from which to observe the ongoing dance of the addict. The rope symbolized all of the ways of taking care of yourself. They included educating yourself about addiction, attending your own support group(Alanon or Naranon),no longer taking it all personally, setting boundaries for yourself, returning to your own authentic life and the things that you have postponed doing, learning to be responsive and not reactive, tending to healthier living.
You would be amazed what changing your perspective can lead to. And, as a bonus, when you finally see that the addict continues the wild dance you can to really see how it is not about you.
Warm regards,
Nan Reynolds
People always advise that one should take care of themselves. Sounds good, but what does it mean? In my years as a therapist with the Brighton Hospital family program, there was a simple picture that people seemed to grasp. I drew a boxing ring and in it was a stick figure of the addict doing a wild dance with their addiction. Arms and legs are flailing about. The other stick figure in the ring was the family member standing next to the addict doing all the well-meaning behaviors. Helping, rescuing, lecturing, saving, protecting, etc. Actually, all the family member got for their effort were several bruises as the arms and legs of the addict continued to swing about. Also--the anger grew and grew.
I then moved the family stick figure and simply placed it just outside of one of the ropes of the ring. Protection. Not abandonment, but a safe place from which to observe the ongoing dance of the addict. The rope symbolized all of the ways of taking care of yourself. They included educating yourself about addiction, attending your own support group(Alanon or Naranon),no longer taking it all personally, setting boundaries for yourself, returning to your own authentic life and the things that you have postponed doing, learning to be responsive and not reactive, tending to healthier living.
You would be amazed what changing your perspective can lead to. And, as a bonus, when you finally see that the addict continues the wild dance you can to really see how it is not about you.
Warm regards,
Nan Reynolds
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
THE ADDICT IS NOT DOING ANYTHING TO YOU, BUT IN SPITE OF YOU.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
THE ADDICT IS NOT DOING ANYTHING TO YOU, BUT IN SPITE OF YOU.
I am not sure just why we react so personally to this disease of addiction. I can think of no other situation where family memeber and friends become so eclipsed by the misfortune of others. No doubt, part of the explanation lies in the fact that we do not see the problem. We also become eclipsed and slowly increase our caretaking and rescuing and efforts to control. Then, as nothing is successful, our walls or resentment build. The main question we mull over is: Why is she/he doing this to me?
Actually, the addict is NOT doing anything TO you--they are simply in a relationship with the chemical and it is the only dance partner on their card. The addict may look like and smell like and dress like the person you know, but they have been beamed up and are no longer fully available for your old relationship. They have a new love. It is helpful for us to also realize that they do not realize this--their toxic brain keeps them from seeing reality.
THE ADDICT IS NOT DOING ANYTHING TO YOU, BUT IN SPITE OF YOU.
I am not sure just why we react so personally to this disease of addiction. I can think of no other situation where family memeber and friends become so eclipsed by the misfortune of others. No doubt, part of the explanation lies in the fact that we do not see the problem. We also become eclipsed and slowly increase our caretaking and rescuing and efforts to control. Then, as nothing is successful, our walls or resentment build. The main question we mull over is: Why is she/he doing this to me?
Actually, the addict is NOT doing anything TO you--they are simply in a relationship with the chemical and it is the only dance partner on their card. The addict may look like and smell like and dress like the person you know, but they have been beamed up and are no longer fully available for your old relationship. They have a new love. It is helpful for us to also realize that they do not realize this--their toxic brain keeps them from seeing reality.
Monday, August 4, 2008
WE NEED TO STOP TAKING PERSONALLY THAT WHICH IS HAPPENING TO US PERSONALLY
I suggest that everyone who loves an addict start carrying around a Q-tip in purse or pocket. This is to remind you that you need to "Quit Taking It Personally".
Of course, it feels very personal. The truth, however, is that none of the behaviors or actions or words or disappointments or unloving moments in the relationship with the addict are a reflection of you or your worth as a person. Addiction of someone else is not about you. It never has been, is not, and never will be. This is true regardless of the nature of the relationship. You are off the hook!
Whether you are a child, a spouse, a sibling, a friend or a parent, you need to be clear in the knowledge that you are not the problem and did not cause the problem. It is only when we think that we are and then we try to help that we run the risk of then becoming a part of the problem. Later on that became called enabling.
Surely, when we annoy others and hurt them and fail them we are are less than perfect in our humanness. This is still not the reason that addiction develops. The addict sees chemicals as a solution and has little thought or knowledge that their solution shall become a problem. Addiction has a life of its own.
I guess this is the good/bad news for families and friends. Because if it has nothing to do with us, then we also face the reality that there is nothing we can change that will fix the addict. We then face our feelings of powerlessness.
Of course, it feels very personal. The truth, however, is that none of the behaviors or actions or words or disappointments or unloving moments in the relationship with the addict are a reflection of you or your worth as a person. Addiction of someone else is not about you. It never has been, is not, and never will be. This is true regardless of the nature of the relationship. You are off the hook!
Whether you are a child, a spouse, a sibling, a friend or a parent, you need to be clear in the knowledge that you are not the problem and did not cause the problem. It is only when we think that we are and then we try to help that we run the risk of then becoming a part of the problem. Later on that became called enabling.
Surely, when we annoy others and hurt them and fail them we are are less than perfect in our humanness. This is still not the reason that addiction develops. The addict sees chemicals as a solution and has little thought or knowledge that their solution shall become a problem. Addiction has a life of its own.
I guess this is the good/bad news for families and friends. Because if it has nothing to do with us, then we also face the reality that there is nothing we can change that will fix the addict. We then face our feelings of powerlessness.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
HOPE! HELP! HEALING FOR THE FUTURE!
A middle-aged Brighton Hospital patient describes her alcohol addiction problems and her path to recovery with the help of the drug treatment program's counselors and staff. Brighton Hospital is the second-oldest alcohol and chemical dependency treatment provider in the country and the first to be licensed in Michigan. A national leader in addiction treatment that began in the early 1950s.
THERE'S HOPE FOR YOU!
A middle-aged Brighton Hospital patient describes her alcohol addiction problems and her path to recovery with the help of the drug treatment program's counselors and staff. Brighton Hospital is the second-oldest alcohol and chemical dependency treatment provider in the country and the first to be licensed in Michigan. A national leader in addiction treatment that began in the early 1950s.
Monday, June 23, 2008
BRIGHTON HOSPITAL PONDERINGS FOR THE DAY...
Welcome to the Brighton Hospital Blog....Please continue to visit as I post new blogs & please respond with your comments and questions so I can speak to your issues.
Thank you,
Nan Reynolds
Thank you,
Nan Reynolds
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