"THE RELATIONSHIP REMAINS THE SAME BUT THE FELLOWSHP IS BROKEN." This is not as confusing as it seems if you understand that once a person becomes addicted, they are really just not available to you. And--this can mean any addiction of any type: To the computer, to sex, to shopping, to business and career, to eating, to working, to volunteerism, to any excessive preoccupation.
The relationships remain--as in parent to child, spouse to spouse, child to parent, friend to friend, sibling to sibling. However, the connections are broken. Many, if not all, of the "used to"s are evaporated. The addiction slowly eclipses the ways we connect to others. I remember missing my sons great sense of humor when he was preoccupied with his marijuana .
We have an initial vague sense of loss and cannot identify it. We make excuses. We try to make it OK and try to fix it, whatever "it" may be. We settle for reduced contact.Even if the addict is sitting next to you, their focus is elsewhere.You can tell. Their addiction becomes increasingly the only game in town and we do not have an invitation to the stadium.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
I CANNOT SAVE YOUR FROM YOUR DARKNESS, BUT I SHALL NOT CLOSE YOU OUT OF MY HEART
"I CANNOT SAVE YOU FROM YOUR DARKNESS, BUT I SHALL NOT CLOSE YOU OUT OF MY HEART."
This is a line from "THE YA YA SISTERHOOD". The oldest and responsible daughter of that Southern family with the charming and brutal alcoholic mother came to this realization after she returned home as an adult. She was attending a family reunion after many years away and she saw that not much had changed in the family dynamics. She had always tried to cheer up her father, stop her mother from drinking or being upset, rescue her siblings. It did not work. She had left home angry and bitter.
As she returned North to her adult life, the thought for today was also her thought on the road. It is a bittersweet reality. On one hand, it is grievous to know you really cannot change someone else and, on the other hand,it is a great relief.
So often, we use anger to separate us from what upsets us. How profound that she was able to see that she could still fully act loving with her family. She realized that allowing the soft feeling toward others does not mean you are going to jump into the ring with them. It is the great lesson of 12 step programs and they call it Loving Detachment. Detachment does not mean abandonment.
This is a line from "THE YA YA SISTERHOOD". The oldest and responsible daughter of that Southern family with the charming and brutal alcoholic mother came to this realization after she returned home as an adult. She was attending a family reunion after many years away and she saw that not much had changed in the family dynamics. She had always tried to cheer up her father, stop her mother from drinking or being upset, rescue her siblings. It did not work. She had left home angry and bitter.
As she returned North to her adult life, the thought for today was also her thought on the road. It is a bittersweet reality. On one hand, it is grievous to know you really cannot change someone else and, on the other hand,it is a great relief.
So often, we use anger to separate us from what upsets us. How profound that she was able to see that she could still fully act loving with her family. She realized that allowing the soft feeling toward others does not mean you are going to jump into the ring with them. It is the great lesson of 12 step programs and they call it Loving Detachment. Detachment does not mean abandonment.
IT IS NOT HUMANLY POSSIBLE TO FIX SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT WANT TO BE FIXED
Limitations..We all have 'em. But what I want to talk about is a limitation that I have observed mostly in men. Actually, men are socialized to "fix" things. Do we not give little boys a tool belt as a gift? Did we not ask Dad to fix the bicycle? Or toaster? (And I know that many women, at this point, are feeling a protest coming on). However, we frequently look to a male to be a fixer. Thank heaven that so many of them are up to the task. BUT---it is a reality that you cannot fix an addict whether child or spouse or parent or sibling or friend. Here is where is gets rough for men--because they have often agreed with me that their failure to "fix" the most important people in their lives has led them straight to feelings of anger because it creates feelings of inadequacy in them and this anger is so detrimental to their health and relationships. It feels like a measure of their worth as a person.
The truth is that they need to know that it is not humanly possible to fix someone who does not wish it. It is a hard lesson in powerlessness and sadness. It is this sadness that they need to allow. It is hurtful, but far less damaging than anger. They then need to get support and education about addiction to discover what behaviors and actions just might have an effect on the addicts choices.
The truth is that they need to know that it is not humanly possible to fix someone who does not wish it. It is a hard lesson in powerlessness and sadness. It is this sadness that they need to allow. It is hurtful, but far less damaging than anger. They then need to get support and education about addiction to discover what behaviors and actions just might have an effect on the addicts choices.
12 SPOUSES of 12 ADDICTS
While facilitating a family and friends group at Brighton Hospital, there were several memorable moments. One of my favorite was a spouse group where 12 wives of 12patients (sounds like On My Way To St. Ives) were exploring the week's issues. The door opened and in flew a late arrival, exclaiming "I am so happy today. I think my life is crumbling into place". We all knew exactly what she meant.
Like a jumbled puzzle where none of the pieces make sense, when you finally get an education about addiction and truly understand that it has nothing to do with you and when you finally begin to emotionally extract yourself from the chaos, it does begin to clear the picture. It does feel like the implosion of all of your prior perspectives and conclusions and what rises from the dust is reality and a grip on yourself. All of which, ironically, is also the best thing ever to happen to the addict. The pieces begin to make sense.
We have been reactive and our way of thinking had become our way of being. Now, at last, there is the freedom of responding and only then do thinking and acting
become congruent. Whew!
Regards,
Nan Reynolds
Like a jumbled puzzle where none of the pieces make sense, when you finally get an education about addiction and truly understand that it has nothing to do with you and when you finally begin to emotionally extract yourself from the chaos, it does begin to clear the picture. It does feel like the implosion of all of your prior perspectives and conclusions and what rises from the dust is reality and a grip on yourself. All of which, ironically, is also the best thing ever to happen to the addict. The pieces begin to make sense.
We have been reactive and our way of thinking had become our way of being. Now, at last, there is the freedom of responding and only then do thinking and acting
become congruent. Whew!
Regards,
Nan Reynolds
SOMETIMES, THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO "TO" AN ALCOHOLIC IS THE ONLY THING THAT WILL HELP.
PONDERING FOR THE DAY:
SOMETIMES, THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO "TO" AN ALCOHOLIC IS THE ONLY THING THAT WILL HELP.
The Ad Council once ran this as an ad. It surely recognized that the responses we need to follow in relationship with an addict do seem, at times, cruel, unloving and harsh. It does indeed feel like a punishment or an angry decision. However, it is possible to say "No' lovingly.
Why is is that we feel we must be angry to say No? Lovingly----That is the ultimate destination for a family member, and this attitude is learned in attendance at 12 step family meetings available in 157 countries. It is important to match our attitude to the facts. The fact is that none of our home remedy efforts to help the addict are effective if they are efforts to fix yet another mess made by the addicts' use.
To refuse to be a part of the problem is, at first , very hard on the family or friend. We are delusional,however, if we feel that one more bail out of any kind is helpful. It is only a Band-aid on a gaping wound.
We will later explore the process of Interventions, which is highly effective. Even this great tool feels as if we are doing something TO the alcoholic or addict. That is, until everyone realizes that it is the most loving form of ToughLove. Tough on us and the addict.
SOMETIMES, THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO "TO" AN ALCOHOLIC IS THE ONLY THING THAT WILL HELP.
The Ad Council once ran this as an ad. It surely recognized that the responses we need to follow in relationship with an addict do seem, at times, cruel, unloving and harsh. It does indeed feel like a punishment or an angry decision. However, it is possible to say "No' lovingly.
Why is is that we feel we must be angry to say No? Lovingly----That is the ultimate destination for a family member, and this attitude is learned in attendance at 12 step family meetings available in 157 countries. It is important to match our attitude to the facts. The fact is that none of our home remedy efforts to help the addict are effective if they are efforts to fix yet another mess made by the addicts' use.
To refuse to be a part of the problem is, at first , very hard on the family or friend. We are delusional,however, if we feel that one more bail out of any kind is helpful. It is only a Band-aid on a gaping wound.
We will later explore the process of Interventions, which is highly effective. Even this great tool feels as if we are doing something TO the alcoholic or addict. That is, until everyone realizes that it is the most loving form of ToughLove. Tough on us and the addict.
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