Because we need to change what we do does not mean the situation is our fault

A lot of us are guilt based. We react strongly when someone suggests that we might need to take a peek at our part in a relationship or situation. Over conscientious people are especially hard to convince because they have tried so hard and so long to be helpful and to fix things. The very suggestion that change is needed in ones actions, thinking or attitudes feels threatening.

It is so easy to identify the person who needs to change. The addict! Plain, pure and simple. They need to get clean and sober and tend to their recovery. The family member, however, often reacts like a deer in the headlight to the very suggestion that some change is needed by them.

It needs to be made clear that the need to learn and alter our behaviors does not at all imply guilt. It is very true that many addicts continue their use regardless of how enlightened the family has become. It is conversely true that many addicts choose recovery in the most ineffective of environments.

There is a process to change. The first step is to become aware of what might need changing. Then you need to digest the thoughts. Next you prepare for the changes and then you try them. The final step is to maintain the changes. This process is greatly evident in every 12 step meeting. You go, you wake up, and you think about it, you try it and then you like it and you keep doing it. All of this takes time and support. You get the information and ideas from others in your shoes.

You learn that we are responsible to each other, but that does not mean that you are my fault!

If you remove your expectations from me, you are free to receive my gifts.

I once read that depending on your expectations, you can spend your whole life being pleasantly surprised or sadly disappointed. Wow.

How wise was one man in the recovery program, after a few years of attendance, to utter that he had just about given up on what to expect and just lived to see what would happen next? Wow.

Often, our expectations of a situation or person are based upon what we want to happen or see. Reality is to see what we see and to know what we know. Do we see what we want to see and not what we need to see? Do we need an “illusionectomy?” Wow.

I think one of the hardest parts of life is to see reality. Denial and delusion abound. They are really useful for keeping fear and pain at arm’s length. So, we keep expectations alive and complain often when the person or life falls short. Wow.

Truth may be painful, but at least you can deal with it. Wow.

The wise man above was quite peaceful internally. He had hopes but not expectations. He knew that having the latter would set him up for resentment, anger and disappointments. He also knew that we can become so blinded by what we expect that we fail to see what is truly available to us.

One lady in my group had cried for years and said she just wanted to be happy. Who knows where she got that concept? I suggested that life was not always happy. It was possible to have a happy life with some unhappiness in it. A light went on for her. She later said that even with her husband drinking, she now felt content. She had expected more and was missing the moments. Wow.

If you want all of your birthday presents wrapped in green paper and all you get is a darned blue paper, are you letting expectations destroy your day? Wow.

Maturity is about trying to come to grips with our flaws (quote from D. Gergen)

Maturity is nothing more or less than how one deals with their feelings. Or perhaps it is to spend your life trying to outrun lesser versions of yourself – which sounds a lot like not wanting to face flaws.

There is no better program than 12 step meetings to encourage one to look at their own inventory. I knew a man who put a mirror in his home that had two words written on the top: THE PROBLEM
and two at the bottom: THE SOLUTION.

I remember the first time I had a fleeting glimpse of myself. Married to a man with unrelenting alcoholism, I was full of unrelenting criticisms. I pulled into our driveway with no kids in the car and no distractions when suddenly I was hit full blast with how it must feel to him when he came home to me. Well, I naturally slammed the lid on the nauseous revelation and continued to be the whiner. In those days, I had a doctorate degree in sniveling, whining, nagging and pouting. All these years later, I have compassion for that former self and realize what a waste of energy it was. It is so common to see that cycle of inebriated person and angry other. Which comes first?

In a recovery program we learn that the only person under our guidance is our self. It is amazing how much better we feel once we face our own flaws and refuse to be a part of that cycle of the decline. It feels so good to really have some power over something once we catch on that the only outcome we can impact is our own. Like Alka-Seltzer says: Oh what a relief it is!

Facts do not cease to exist just because they are ignored

Mental health is said to be a dedication to reality at all costs. Denial and delusion are really great defense tools to keep us out of pain. The problem is that we tend to stay in pain in order to avoid pain.

Truth hurts, but at least you can deal with it. Trying to not face reality is like punching away at a fog. There are so many times when one has only a random moment of perception. Here and then gone. We need to go from being ignorant of being ignorant to being aware of being aware.

So, what am I talking about? I am remembering how I thought my husband had sinus trouble because he was always sick (alcohol will do that.) I often called his work and made the excuses. I am remembering how I thought my son had a bad cold when his nose kept running (cocaine will do that.) I am remembering how I believed the mouth of addiction.

Denial can be wonderful as it offers a temporary soothing of the heart. It seems to me that there is the denial that follows knowing and the denial of truly not knowing. Both are only a detour from truth. It is also a fact that when you do not know you are hanging on to something, such as a delusion, it is awfully hard to let go.

I think that denial is the biggest issue for families. It is one of the biggest contributors to not being truly helpful to the addict. I want to say “wake up!” and try to see things as they really are and not as you would have them be.

A First Class Human Being has some regard for Human Frailty

This is often hard for a family member to swallow: There is nothing harder than living with an unrecovered family member.

Actually, in the perfect world, family members and friends would receive attention, help and education about addiction two years before the addict starts recovery. Two years is about the amount of time needed to deal with resentment, anger, blame, hurt and a myriad of losses. The timing is awful; an addict goes into treatment or recovery and others are expected to have nothing to resolve about what has been happening. Families are expected to be supportive and caring. Well—good luck!

I like the analogy of everyone having an open wound on their heart. It needs to heal and repair itself. It is best not to keep ripping off the scab, which is what happens when we keep bringing up the past as a weapon, when we keep reminding each other of all of the hurts and relationship failures, when we do not tend to our own recoveries. Often, the family member simply wants the addict to heal, but has no grasp on the fact that they themselves harbor so much unfinished business. What is common to hear is “Well, it was not my problem, it was theirs.” Yes, this is true. It is also true that you have been deeply wounded and are in need of some help to mend that heart.

The addict has to stay sober long enough to learn how to be sober. As hard as it may seem, the others in their life need to not pull the rug out with angry words. I did not say that you are not going to have anger. I also did not say that you are in any way responsible for someone’s relapse. I have often suggested that we all put a 6-inch piece of duct tape over our mouth for several months and only release it when we have kind and supportive words. Then, everyone goes to their meetings, remove the tape, open your ears and mouth and speak. Back to the car, tape in place again until the day comes when your heart truly feels loving and has a new perspective.